November 7th, 2013

10 Signs You’re Married to a Zombie

Did you ever get the feeling your partner changed overnight with no warning? Research shows this befalls women much more often than men. You stand there thinking, I have to spend the next thirty years with this moron? Fact is, there are 10 sure signs you’re married to a zombie.

  1. He gives short guttural answers like “I dunno,” or “Unh uh,” when you’d like to have a conversation.
  2. The TV is more important to him than listening to you.
  3. He consults his iPhone repeatedly during meals.
  4. When he gets home from work, too tired to talk, he just wants a beer.
  5. He doesn’t come home from work till late, and claims his phone was dead.
  6. He criticizes your cooking by putting cilantro (or hot sauce, or pepper) on everything you serve.
  7. He falls asleep during lovemaking, just when you’re about to start feeling something.
  8. He gets excited about zombie movies and likes to watch them over and over.
  9. He refuses to watch romantic movies with you.
  10. He doesn’t even notice your new clothes, shoes or hairstyle, much less say anything nice about them.

 

I made a case study of the modern zombified husband in my book, Zombie Candy. As a professional cook who gives cooking classes, Candace is highly offended when her husband Larry sprinkles fresh cilantro on her culinary creations. He’s guilty of most of the other points as well.

But that’s nothing compared to Candace’s shock at finding a small black bra while unpacking a suitcase from Larry’s last business trip. A bra that’s far too small to be hers. It turns out Larry’s a serial cheater.

Candace confronts Larry and deals with his betrayal in a unique way, making brilliantly creative use of his fixation with zombies. Aided by her best friend, Annie Ogden, Candace sets up the ruse of the century in a picturesque hilltop town in Tuscany, luring Larry there and torturing him in a way that’s a tad juvenile and cruel, but wickedly satisfying.

The solution to all the problems listed above is to sit down and talk together. But if he’s so far gone he won’t talk despite all your begging and pleading, what then? The way Candace handles it might not be every woman’s cup of tea, but it ultimately cures Larry. Might be worth looking into … ZOMBIE CANDY

Fred

Frederick Lee Brooke launched the Annie Ogden Mystery Series in 2011 with Doing Max Vinyl and followed with Zombie Candy in 2012, a book that is neither about zombies nor sweets. The third mystery in the series, Collateral Damage, appeared in 2013. Saving Raine, the first book in Fred's entirely new series, The Drone Wars, appeared in December 2013, and was followed by its sequel, Inferno, in June 2014.

A resident of Switzerland, Fred has worked as a teacher, language school manager and school owner. He has three boys and two cats and recently had to learn how to operate both washing machine and dryer. He makes frequent trips back to his native Chicago.

When not writing or doing the washing, Fred can be found walking along the banks of the Rhine River, sitting in a local cafe, or visiting all the local pubs in search of his lost umbrella.

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2 thoughts on “10 Signs You’re Married to a Zombie

  1. Marjorie R.

    This is a very funny post, nope I am not married to a Zombie, I really must read this book.
    As always, I love a good mystery, sounds good.

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